by T Campbell and Comickook
“You’re seriously suggesting this,” repeated Rova Barkitt. Yankee Poodle’s tone was not welcoming.
“Yeah,” said her old friend Byrd Rentals, a bit more hesitantly.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with her being an attractive female, especially one of the avian persuasion… dah-ling?” Rova was serious, but for Byrd’s sake she curled her mouth into a sarcastic smile. Much as she didn’t want the Siren Belle on this team, she also didn’t want to embarrass Byrd or savage his ego. In Follywood, your ego was your life.
“No! N-no,” stuttered Rubberduck. “She’s been getting great behavior reports from the wardens–”
“Well, I should hope so, honey! She’s an ex-super-criminal at Sting Sting, and if she doesn’t make friends with the wardens, the inmates’ll tar and de-feather her! She knows which side her breadcrumbs are buttered on!”
Byrd hesitated. He didn’t want to tear Rova down, either. “I really believe animals can change,” was all he finally said.
“That’s one of the differences between us and them,” said Rodney Rabbit, picking up the slack. “To these three-foot ears, it sounds like one of the ways that we’ll beat them. They try to kill their enemies, and we try to turn them into friends.”
Alley-Kat-Abra, who’d been watching the conversation with increasing distress, finally spoke up. “Captain? May I speak with you privately?”
Captain Carrot glanced at her, nodded, and followed her off to stage right.
“Well, we’d better break out the card table,” grunted Pig-Iron.
“Why?” asked Doctor Hoot.
“Yeah, why?” asked Chester Cheese.
“Yeah, it’s time for another one of those lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong talks,” said Rova, rolling more innuendo into the phrase than Jennifer Antelopez could manage on her best day.
“Whut’re y’all talkin’ about?” asked Fastback.
“You guys have mean, petty, dirty little minds,” said Byrd, almost keeping a straight face as he said it. “Abra and the Captain’s relationship is strictly, strictly professional.”
“Oh. Of course,” said Hoot, mentally kicking himself for not realizing it sooner. Details; it was always just a few tiny details he missed.
“You mean…?” Chester began to blush. Little Cheese was starting to get it, but it felt like imagining his parents naked. “You mean — you, you really mean…?”
Timmy-Joe Terrapin looked at each of them in turn. “Ah don’ get it.”
***
“Do you have any idea — I mean, any idea — what a bad idea this is? This could be a ‘Bad Idea Furs’ sketch on Saturday Night Wildlife.”
Felina Furr’s intensity left Rodney almost speechless. Finally, he stammered out, “Th-these are tough customers. We’re going to need power and surprise…”
“If we all blew ourselves up with a very powerful grenade, then I’d say yeah, the Nasty Menagerie would be surprised. But we might need a bit more than that.”
“I’ve heard Byrd’s case. Let’s hear yours.”
“She was powerful, Captain. Too powerful to trust. She found ways around our defenses and enslaved half the team. And she… seduced… Magic Wanda. Now we’re talking about letting her control five super-villains more powerful than we are? I don’t know if I’d trust Rova with that much power!”
Rodney was listening carefully to every word she was saying and not thinking at all about how her green eyes flashed when she was angry.
“She tried to kill us, Captain. All the while telling us — or maybe telling herself — that she wasn’t a killer. I don’t think she’s quite evil, not like Starro or Roquat, I just think she’s weak. So far, her morals have bent according to circumstance. It’s easy to say you’re going to turn over a new leaf when you’re in prison, and you don’t have to prove it.”
“But she should get a chance to prove she means it.”
“Maybe she should. But not when the fate of the world hangs in the balance.” She paused, and so did he. There was really nothing more to say.
And then she laughed. “I really just said that, didn’t I? ‘The fate of the world hangs in the balance!’ Hoo-hoo… you’re rubbing off on me, Roger…”
“R–” Rodney stopped himself.
“Rodney,” she finished. The ice was broken, and for the first time in days, Felina looked relaxed. “What made you change, anyway? You never told me.”
“I… I guess I just like Rodney. It’s more, you know, heroic.”
“But you never went by it before.”
“I didn’t feel like much of a hero before.”
“But you do now.”
“Yeah. I feel more, heh, powerful, I guess.”
“I feel like I should encourage that, but I’m not sure I like it. You do remember when I told you that there was nothing wrong with being Roger Rabbit?”
He blinked. Suddenly he felt like his real name was something much more modest and unassuming than Roger, like r. rabbit, or “meep meep meep.” He tried to say something, but no words came. Until one came, seemingly at random. “Oz.”
“Hmm?”
“We liberated the rulers of Oz. Maybe we can ask them for help.”
“Captain.” Felina used the word more tenderly than before. “Why are you avoiding the obvious solution?”
“I… um… I guess it’s not obvious to me, Abra.” Now he was calling her Abra. He was retreating to formality just like she had, and yet he couldn’t stop himself.
“The magics of Oz and Wonderland don’t translate well into our world. But there is another world with powerful super-heroes that owes us a favor.”
“Supermac’s world?” (*)
[(*) Editor’s note: See “This Bunny Unbound,” The New Teen Titans #16 (February, 1982) and “The Pluto Syndrome,” Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew #1 (March, 1982).]
“Earth-C-Minus.” (*)
[(*) Editor’s note: See “Crisis on Earth-C,” Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew #14 (April, 1983) and “Crisis on Earth-C-Minus,” Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew #15 (May, 1983).]
Rodney swallowed. He had been avoiding thinking about this.
“I don’t think we can beat them alone, Captain. And pretty soon, it’s going to occur to these animals that our world is still here for them to plunder.”
“Can you get us over there?”
“You and me, I think. Not the whole team.”
Great, he thought. “Well, let’s get back to the others and tell them to guard the planet till we can get back…”
“You can put Pig-Iron in charge until then,” said Felina, smiling mischievously.
Rodney looked at her.
“…Or Byrd.” Felina turned somber again. “I assume that… the things we aren’t discussing… are also not to be discussed with certain members of the Just’a Lotta Animals. But since we’re all on duty, it really shouldn’t be an issue.”
Rodney ran his buck teeth nervously along his lower lip. “Sure shouldn’t.”
As Captain Carrot and Alley-Kat-Abra returned from their strategic huddle, the Captain cleared his throat and addressed the expectant faces of the Zoo Crew. “Folks, Abra and I are off to Earth-C-Minus. We’re gonna recruit some help from the Just’a Lotta Animals.”
Doctor Hoot, the wise owl hero of Earth-Reverse-C, nodded sagely. “A sound plan, Captain. Mind-control cannot be employed against either Ultra-Rabbit or Fantastidrake. It could work on the Iron Pig, Slashback, and Big Cheese, as well as any rank-and-file troopers at their beck and call. But Ultra-Rabbit’s mind was long ago spell-proofed by Katastrophe. That sorcery not only made him immune to brainwashing, but also beefed up his willpower around any female except her. And it’s still holding up, even after Katastrophe went off the deep end. Fantastidrake’s another story; he built a willpower-enhancer ray that increased his mental defenses and amplified the intermittent mind-control ability he stole from Owlrat.”
Captain Carrot’s ears perked up at the briefing. “Thanks for the warning, Doc,” he said with a grateful nod. “I’m glad Abra talked me out of letting Byrd enlist Siren Belle. In the meantime, we’re counting on you six to hold down the fort. Keep an eye out for trouble, especially if the Nasty Menagerie returns before we do.”
Rubberduck snapped to attention, offering Captain Carrot a salute that was more theatric than military. “Understood, Cap,” he quipped, his voice dripping with mock solemnity.
Captain Carrot fixed him with a stern look, the kind that could make even the most unruly of villains think twice. “And please, R.D., let’s not have any of your infamous ‘creative solutions.’ No springing super-villains from the slammer, even if you believe they’re the lesser of two evils.”
Rubberduck’s beak curled into a sheepish grin. “Who, me?” he quipped, innocence feigned so poorly it was comical.
“Yes, you!” came the chorus from Abra, the Captain, and the rest of the Crew, their voices blending in a harmony of disapproval. It was the last thing Rubberduck heard before Alley-Kat-Abra and Captain Carrot vanished in a flash, off to seek aid from Earth-C-Minus.
In the sudden quiet that followed, Doctor Hoot turned his wise eyes upon Rubberduck. “You’re going to see her anyway, aren’t you?” he inquired, his tone carrying the weight of certainty.
Rubberduck met his gaze, unflinching. “What makes you think that?” he retorted, though his eyes betrayed his intentions.
“It’s simple,” Hoot replied, his voice as calm as the eye of a storm. “That look in your eyes — it’s the same one I’ve seen in your counterpart’s, only his was a shade darker. It’s the look of a bird with a plan, and come hell or high water, you’ll see it through.”
Yankee Poodle let out a resigned sigh, her patriotic fur bristling with anticipation. “Fine, Byrd. You, Hoot, and I will pay her a visit. We’ll talk to the warden at Sting Sting. If you’re dead set on this harebrained scheme, I’d better be there to keep Sammy in check, just in case she decides to play us for fools.”
And so, with a mix of trepidation and determination, the remaining members of the Zoo Crew set out to navigate the murky waters of super-villain parole.
***
In the dimly lit lair of the Menagerie Cage on Earth Reverse-C, a motley crew of villainous critters gathered around a rickety poker table. The Iron Pig, Fantastidrake, Swanky Poodle, Slashback, and Big Cheese were engrossed in a game of five-card-stud, their focus occasionally shattered by the raucous sounds emanating from Ultra-Rabbit’s quarters. The relationship between Ultra-Rabbit and Katastrophe was the stuff of legend, their escapades a source of both awe and discomfort for the team.
Big Cheese, the newest recruit, had quickly become accustomed to the cacophony of passion that often accompanied Ultra-Rabbit’s “rewards” to Bast-Felina. Yet, even he couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the fervor of their current… celebration.
“For the luvva–!” Fantastidrake bellowed, slamming his cards down in frustration. “They’re whooping it up like we’ve already won. We should’ve made sure the Zoo Crew was kaput.”
Big Cheese chuckled, a slice of smugness in his tone. “Relax, Fantas. You remember that freaky storm Bast-Felina and S.P. conjured? It was a doozy. No way anyone survived that!”
The Iron Pig and Slashback nodded in agreement. It was true that the Nasty Menagerie had never been defeated; was it possible, Fantastidrake wondered, that their long string of victories had made them too confident, almost to the point of foolishness?
“We didn’t stick around to confirm the kill,” Fantastidrake shot back at Big Cheese. “Rule number one in this game, kid: no bodies, no confirmed K.O. If we’d found Hoot and the Crew’s carcasses, complete with their I.D.s, then believe you me, I’d already be popping the champagne, too.”
Swanky Poodle, her fur impeccably groomed despite the nefarious setting, leaned back in her chair with a sly grin. “Well, their BLEEP world’s still spinning, and we’ve already got this BLEEP one eating out of our BLEEP paws!” she drawled, her voice a smooth blend of confidence and contempt. “So, once the BLEEP Boss Bunny and the Eerie Enchantress wrap up their… ‘intimate negotiations’ — which won’t be for another three BLEEP hours at least, based on the way they’re going at it — we’ll rally the BLEEP troops and storm the Zoo Crew’s BLEEP turf!”
Fantastidrake, his feathers quivering with malice, couldn’t suppress the wicked smile that spread across his beak. “Spot on, Rova. We’ll confirm the Zoo Crew’s fate firsthand. If they show up, we’ll know they’re still kicking — but not for long. Next time, we’ll make sure our victory isn’t just a fluke,” he said, tapping a rhythm of impending doom in his excitement.
Without wasting another moment, Fantastidrake began summoning the Nasty Menagerie’s troopers, a ragtag band of bio-engineered goons and thugs with just enough super-powers to be dangerous — not enough to pose any threat to the Menagerie, but enough to perform their dirty work. Clad in trooper armor that was a blatant rip-off to Star Warts, only dipped in silver rather than white, they were a sight to behold.
***
In the satellite headquarters of Just’a Lotta Animals orbiting Earth-C-Minus, the atmosphere was charged with a mix of urgency and the peculiar tension that only a gathering of super-heroes could muster. Captain Carrot stood at the helm, his posture betraying a hint of distraction as he addressed his comrades. Beside him, Alley-Kat-Abra maintained a composed facade, though her keen eyes didn’t miss the Captain’s subtle efforts to maintain a respectful distance from Wonder Wabbit — at least fifty feet away at all times.
“Our home is under siege,” began Captain Carrot, his voice steady despite the inner turmoil. “The Nasty Menagerie, our evil counterparts from another universe, have attacked our world. They not only have our identical abilities but also the powers of the Crime Critters, having stolen those a while ago. They only left our world after believing that we, along with a benevolent Doctor Hoot from their realm, had been killed in the attack. However, we fear they’ll return soon, either to confirm our demise or simply to take advantage of our supposed deaths and lay waste to our world.”
The room was silent, the gravity of the situation settling over the assembly like a shroud. Alley-Kat-Abra watched Rodney, noting his determined avoidance of Wonder Wabbit’s gaze — going to great lengths to avoid eye contact. She could tell from the look in his eyes that, despite the difficulty, he was making a genuine effort to get over his crush on Wonder Wabbit.
Super-Squirrel broke the silence, his bushy tail flicking with resolve. “We’re with you, Captain. We had been wondering why it’s been so eerily quiet on the Crime Critters front. Just yesterday we discovered that they had suddenly doubled their numbers, with new members Chaos Canard, Rubberworm, Bird Eye, the Martian Aardvark, and Sundown Salamander, but we had no idea why. It all adds up now.”
The gathered heroes — Super-Squirrel, Batmouse, Wonder Wabbit, Green Lambkin, the Crash, Aquaduck, the Martian Anteater, Zap-Panda, and Stacked Canary — exchanged glances, a silent accord forming among them. They were the shield against chaos, the guardians of Earth-C-Minus, and they would stand united with the Zoo Crew against the shadow of the Nasty Menagerie.
***
In the not-so-grim confines of Sting Sting Prison back on Earth-C, Samantha Drake, better known as the Siren Belle, lounged in her cell — a space so lavishly appointed that it would make a five-star hotel blush with envy. The bars on the door were the only giveaway that this was a cell and not a suite. It seemed that good behavior was the currency of comfort for the reformed enchantress.
Samantha had charmed the socks off the warden and the guards, quite literally. Her security was tighter than a drum, keeping at bay any inmate foolish enough to challenge the super-chick. The perks of her charm offensive didn’t end there; she was served gourmet meals and enjoyed the finest furnishings — luxuries that arrived without her even whispering a wish.
She had never solicited such royal treatment, of course, but Samantha wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Yet, despite the queenly comforts (and some whispered that the warden, smitten beyond reason, treated her even better than royalty), a cloud of ennui hung over her. The prison walls, no matter how gilded, still echoed with the monotony of confinement.
Samantha had vowed to turn over a new leaf, and her sincerity was as clear as the crystal glasses from which she sipped her prison-brewed nectar. But vows and reality often danced to different tunes. She was itching, yearning for a chance to demonstrate her transformation — to show the world that the Siren Belle’s song had changed its tune.