by Starsky Hutch 76
Far from Earth there lay a collection of rocks that once formed a world called Htrae. This world had been home to a population unlike any other, for its inhabitants were not truly alive in the typical sense. Yet a thriving, sentient population they were. And when they were destroyed, the universe was a little less colorful for their passing.
In the midst of this asteroid belt floated a rocket. Inside this rocket slept the last surviving inhabitant of the Bizarro World. Even the launcher of this rocket, known to the child as Daddy and Bizarro #1 to the rest of their world, had thought this rocket destroyed. In typical Bizarro fashion, he had sent the escape rocket to the planet’s core so he would die first. (*) Of course, he had also made the rocket completely indestructible.
[(*) Editor’s note: See “Phantom Zone: The Final Chapter,” DC Comics Presents #97 (September, 1986).]
The rocks surrounding the ship began to part, bouncing off the force-field of a large ship that approached the rocket. A tractor beam reached out, ensnared the rocket, and drew it toward the ship, leading it to an opening in the hull.
Once the rocket was in the cargo bay, technicians swarmed over it, searching for a means to open it. They quickly found a way. The technicians backed away as two important-looking aliens approached the rocket.
“I dared not hope there would be anything left,” one of them said, peering into the opening of the rocket.
“And yet there it is,” the other one replied. “A perfect specimen. I had merely hoped for one mostly intact. Having one still alive is beyond my wildest expectations.”
“Get him to a laboratory, Alpha-Zeta 2-C99. Don’t wake him,” the first one ordered the technicians. “There will be much planning to do,” he said to his companion, “to decide how best to utilize this discovery. This is truly a glorious day for the Superman Revenge Squad!”
***
Life had been lonely for Bizarro-Kltpzyxm since his release from jail on Bizarro World. Since he was guilty, he had been given a really short sentence. His fellow Bizarros had been friendly enough after his release, but they preferred chaos to order. As an imperfect duplicate of the fifth-dimensional imp Mr. Mxyzptlk, he had an uncontrollable urge to make things orderly and peaceful wherever he went. This made it impossible for him to fit in.
Eventually, he traveled to the fifth-dimensional world of Zrfff, hoping the imps there would accept him. However, it was in their nature to be mischievous, and a Bizarro imp like Kltpzyxm, who loved law and order, felt as out of place as Mxyzptlk would on Earth. After turning his third upside-down structure right-side up, he found himself in yet another jail. This time, the sentence wasn’t so short.
After he was finally released, he left in hopes of finding somewhere he could fit in. The next few years were spent traveling the universe and performing good deeds, but none of the places he visited felt like home. He decided to retrace his steps and give his roots a second chance.
First, he returned to the fifth dimension. After all, he was an imp, though a Bizarro one. He was horrified to discover that it was buried in sewage. His first instinct was to clean it up, so he cast a spell that removed the mess and returned everything to the way he remembered it.
As soon as he finished, he began to regret it, hoping he hadn’t made a giant blunder. The imps thrived on mischief, and he might have ruined some elaborate prank.
A roar drew his attention skyward, and he realized how wrong he was. A giant heart-shaped jewel floated above him. On its jeweled surface was a carving that resembled his own face. Confused about why it was roaring at him, he thought, That must be imp thing. Me show how much me like tribute by putting pretty jewel in nice setting. He waved his hand, encasing the giant jeweled heart in a gold setting with a giant chain. The face on the jeweled heart now wore a horrified expression.
Suddenly, an army of imp constables and many of the populace swarmed over the jeweled heart. Oh, no! Kltpzyxm thought. Imps like what me do with tribute so much they now all fighting over it! Me cause problems again! Not wanting to be at the center of a huge fight, he decided to leave.
“Where did Bizarro-Kltpzyxm go?” the Mayor asked General Vzzyrld as the army carried off Aethyr, the jeweled heart bonded to Mr. Mxyzptlk, which had once been the center of the Phantom Zone. “That wonderful Bizarro freed us from Mxyzptlk’s trap!”
“He’s a true hero,” the General replied. “Not even sticking around for a reward.”
“If he ever returns, we’ll have a parade in his honor. From here on out, this day shall be known as Kltpzyxm Day!”
***
“The child is quite healthy,” the first alien remarked, observing the Bizarro child through the two-way mirror as he played.
“Yes,” the second alien replied, “an excellent specimen. Ripe with living DNA for our experiments.”
“Will he even have DNA?” the first alien questioned. “Bizarros aren’t alive in the normal sense. They are artificial beings. Some might call them androids, sophisticated to a degree we can barely comprehend. Each particle is a mimicry of a living cell.”
“Oh, to be able to crack that secret,” the second alien said dreamily.
“It is unfathomable that such a being owes its existence to an Earth man,” the first alien continued. “They are so barbaric.”
“He must be more evolved than the rest. I wouldn’t mind having him in my lab for study,” the second alien suggested.
“Good luck with that endeavor,” the first alien snorted. “Even our most hated foe, Superman, has found Lex Luthor elusive prey. It was he who invented the device that created this race. If only we had gotten here sooner. It has been said that there were similar devices on this world.”
“If only,” the second alien agreed. Such a device would surely elevate their status in the Superman Revenge Squad.
***
Bizarro-Kltpzyxm was sad to discover the Bizarro World was no longer there. If only he had returned sooner, perhaps he could have saved it from its fate.
To learn more about what had happened, he made a television screen appear before him. Apprehension filled him as he watched tremors shake the world. He saw Bizarro #1 placing his only son in a rocket ship aimed at the planet’s core. Horror gripped him as he witnessed the destruction of his world. Then, amazement followed as he saw the tiny rocket floating unharmed amidst the debris, only to be ensnared by an alien ship’s tractor beam, drawing it into its cargo hold.
“There am a survivor!” Kltpzyxm exclaimed jubilantly. He snapped his fingers, causing the screen to blink out of existence. In a flash, he was gone.
***
Bizarro-Junior #1 sat contentedly playing with the indestructible blocks provided by the Superman Revenge Squad, along with a wide assortment of other specialized toys. He turned in surprise as Bizarro-Kltpzyxm appeared next to him, floating in the air.
“Hello!” the Bizarro imp greeted happily.
“You am that bad little man who turn all the beautiful garbage into worthless treasures!” Bizarro-Junior said accusingly.
“Yes, that am me,” Kltpzyxm admitted earnestly.
“Me daddy arrest you and put you in jail for it!”
“Yes. Him do that. But me go along peacefully when he catch me, and me learn me lesson, and me not do it again.” (*)
[(*) Editor’s note: See “Bizarro, Private Detective,” Adventure Comics #286 (July, 1961).]
“Oh,” the child said. “That am good. You want to play with me?”
“Me’d love to,” the Bizarro imp replied ecstatically at the thought of making a new friend.