DC Universe: Something Wacky This Way Comes, Chapter 7: Battle of the Bands

by Drivtaan

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Being the current writer allows me certain bits of information that the characters wouldn’t know, so to move this story along, I give Snapper the location of the Legion of Doom’s… er… I mean the Legion of Funk’s secret headquarters and send him on his way. And lest you think that I have sent him into the lion’s den as a lamb to the slaughter, in my defense, let me just say that I sent him armed with the one thing that will keep him safe — an invitation to partake in the battle of the bands. While he is gone, I send the Teen Titans out to gather their mentors in the Super Friends.

At this point, I’ll not bother you with what transpires while the young heroes are gone. I’m sure no one is interested in Fantomah’s shameful attempts to seduce me, like the way she transformed her garments to sheer gossamer and began to dance around me like I was a stripper pole, so we’ll just skip ahead in time a little bit.

Since the Legion of Funk’s appearance has been documented in an earlier chapter, I shall simply make mention that they are the first to arrive. For a brief moment, it appears that the Legion has forsaken the funk and reclaimed the doom.

“Why are we here?” Gorilla Grodd asks, his gorilla voice deep and guttural.

I start to respond, but the rest of the Legion responds first with an enthusiastic shout. “We’re here to win!”

I smile. It appears that Gorilla Grodd is also Groupie Grodd.

Luthor steps forward. “So,” Luthor says, looking around, “where do we set up our equipment?”

I direct them to an area just across the stream.

“My,” says Brainiac. “What a happy-looking tree.”

“And it’s probably still wet,” Fantomah says.

As the Legion of Funk sets up the equipment and begins to practice, the Teen Titans return with the Super Friends… and the older heroes are carrying their chosen instruments.

I hurry over to the group and bid them welcome. “Thank you for coming.”

“Is that the Legion of Doom I see over there?” Aquaman asks. “Did you bring us here to defeat them yet again?”

“Actually, uh, no,” I say. “After reviewing all that’s happened, it looks like they haven’t really done anything evil this time.”

“So, this really is going to be an honest-to-goodness battle of the bands,” Superman says as he sets a banjo case down.

Robin slips over next to me and, in a conspiratorial whisper, asks, “Who’s the hot-looking blonde? Think she’d help me wax my legs?”

“That’s Fantomah,” I say. “She once had her heart broken by a cello player and swore never to get involved with another one.”

Robin looks at the case in his hands, bows his head, and shuffles off. Fantomah catches my eye and mouths a silent thank you.

“Where can we set up and practice?” Wonder Woman asks, a lyre cradled in the crook of her arm and resting against her ample, well-rounded, perfect…

“Don’t forget you’re married.”

I look around, and Wonder Girl is standing there. I know the words were hers, but the voice was distinctly my wife’s — my beautiful, loving, forgiving wife.

I point to a spot on this side of the stream and turn my attention to the rest of the Super Friends. They go where I point and begin unpacking their instruments. Of the group, Green Lantern is the only one who requires an electrical outlet, although I suspect that his ring could supply plenty of juice to run his keyboard. Aquaman removes a conch shell from a bag of woven kelp and blows a couple of different notes. The Flash’s fingers are a blur as he plays a tune on his Spanish guitar. Batman draws the bow across his violin, then plucks the strings individually to make certain they are in tune. Apache Chief begins to beat on his tom-toms.

The judges listen for a moment, and even the Legion of Funk pauses to listen to the noise the heroes are making… and everyone laughs.

Lex Luthor crosses the stream and approaches me. “We have a gig tonight, so I’d appreciate it if we could get this show on the road. From the way they sound, you might go ahead and give us the prize right now.”

“It’s up to the judges who will win this thing,” I say.

I look at Jonah. “Mr. Hex, if you please.”

“All right, ladies and gents!” Jonah says. “Let the battle begin!”

The Legion of Funk is chosen by the judges to go first. As they begin setting up in the main field in front the judges, Wonder Girl walks over to where I am standing.

“I thought you said there was going to be three bands,” she says.

I motion for Snapper. “I’m taking care of that right now.”

Snapper approaches, and I hand him a piece of paper. “Get these guys, and then you’re done for the day.”

I can see the disappointment on his face. “I was hoping to see the competition.”

“I hadn’t thought about that,” I say. “Sorry.”

He starts to pop out, when an idea pops into my head. “Wait a second,” I say. I reach into my pocket and remove a pair of glasses. “Put these on, and you will be able to see and hear everything that happens here.”

He smiles, puts on the glasses, and vanishes.

“Who is this other band?” Wonder Girl asks.

“You’ll see,” I tell her.

We both turn our heads as the Legion of Funk begins to play.

***

Legion of Funk

(To the tune of Give Up The Funk)

We’ve got a real groovy thing going down, we’re getting down
We’re laying serious funk down
Our tunes are turning this town upside down, they’re coming ’round
There’s a whole lot of funk a-going down

We’re the Legion of Funk
Masters of funk
Legion of Funk
We bring the funk
We’re the Legion of Funk
Masters of funk
Legion of Funk
We bring the funk

Na, na, na, na, na, na
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, oww
Na, na, na, na, na, na
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, oww

This is just our plot to rule the world
This is just our plot to rule the world

We’ve got a real groovy thing going down, we’re getting down
There’s a whole lot of funk a-going down
We’ve got a real groovy thing going down, we’re getting down
There’s a whole lot of funk a-going down
We’ve got a real groovy thing going down, we’re getting down
There’s a whole lot of funk a-going down

We’re the Legion of Funk
Masters of funk
Legion of Funk
(We’re coming in here to)
We bring the funk
(Show you the funk)

We’re the Legion of Funk
Masters of funk
Legion of Funk
(We’re coming in here to)
We bring the funk
(Show you the funk)
(Repeat everything a lot)

***

The music ends, and we all clap, not because they are a collection of the world’s most dangerous villains, but because they are honestly good. “Parliament would be proud,” I say.

We turn to the judges, and they appear to be in deep conversation with each other. After much nodding, they write something down on a notepad, then address the band.

“Thank you,” Fantomah says. “Please step over next to that tree.”

“We want to know what our score is,” Luthor says, determined not to move.

Jonah Hex leans back in his chair and props his feet up on the judges’ table, his six-shooter appearing in his hand as if by magic. “Any of you polecats bulletproof?”

The band members look at each other nervously. “Uh, not currently,” Toyman says.

“Then I suggest ya do as the lady says.”

Wisely, the Legion of Funk takes his advice. As they collect their instruments, the Super Friends begin moving toward the stage.

“This ought to be good,” Grodd says, with a smirk. “We’ve got this in the bag.”

Looking at the heroes’ musical instruments, it’s hard not to agree.

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